Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
