I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
