Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
