Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
