At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
