You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
