why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
