i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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