i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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