I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
