Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
