if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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