dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
