We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
