i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
