we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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