this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
