Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
