I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
