I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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