Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They took my balls.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love you. Go after that dick
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
