he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's blow job season.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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