I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
