theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Thank you for not boning my boss.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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