I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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