i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
