I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
