I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
