We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
