I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
