Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
