Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
