she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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