Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You just made me feel so damn special
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
