My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
