Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
