I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
