I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
