guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
