2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
