Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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