sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
