No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
