My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
how does that bad decision feel?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
