I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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