Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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