I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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