Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
