After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
