Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
